If you want to find more pleasure in your sex life, start by asking yourself: How can I become my own best lover? Good lovers communicate and don’t rush; they focus on curiosity and pleasure rather than just the end result. They pay attention to our needs, care about our feelings, and remain present and connected throughout the experience. Are you practicing this for yourself?
One way to become your own best lover is by creating a customizable self-pleasure ritual. Now’s the time to grab a piece of paper and a pen, and as you read, start writing how this ritual might look for you!
1. Pay Attention to Your SET (Mindset):
Ask yourself: What do I need to be in the right mindset to tap into pleasure?
Consider taking care of some practical tasks to clear your mind, such as ensuring you’ve done the dishes or handled items on your to-do list, silencing your phone, and asking your roommates or partners to respect your privacy.
Incorporate practices that help you relax, like stretching, taking a warm bath, meditating, or focusing on your breath. If you’re unsure which practice will work for you, try taking 10 deep belly breaths:
- Sit upright and close your eyes.
- Place your hands on your stomach to feel your diaphragm move.
- Inhale deeply through your nose, allowing your belly to rise.
- Exhale through your mouth, feeling your belly fall as you push the air out—imagine a balloon deflating.
If your mind wanders during this practice, that’s completely normal; that is what minds do! Just notice the thought and gently return your focus to your breath and the movement of your tummy.
2. Pay attention to the SETTING (Context/Environment):
Ask yourself: What do I need in my environment to feel safe and open to pleasure?
- Your space should feel safe, comfortable and inviting. Making sure the context feels right might involve a few practical tasks, such as leaving your pets in a different room, putting clean sheets in your bed, and turning off the TV.
- You can also add a few creative/fun elements, such as lighting candles, burning incense, playing relaxing music, and wearing comfortable clothing or pajamas that feel nice against your skin.
3. Set an Intention or Mantra:
Ask yourself: What is my intention for this self-pleasure ritual?
Having an intention can help anchor you in the present moment. If your mind starts to drift, remembering your intention can guide you back.
Choose a short and flexible intention that resonates with you, such as: “I want to connect with my own pleasure” or “I approach my body with curiosity.” You can also turn these intentions into mantras for repetition during your practice.
4. Explore Your Body Mindfully:
Ask yourself: What is my curiosity and pleasure inviting me to do?
Now it’s time to explore your entire body. Remember, your skin is your largest organ and the biggest erogenous zone—make the most of it!
Touch your head, neck, shoulders, arms, breasts, belly, butt, legs, and feet. Experiment with different types of pressure, from gentle caresses to firmer touches. Let your curiosity and pleasure guide you—there’s no right or wrong way to touch yourself.
When you focus on your genitals, get creative. Experiment with different types of stimulation, rhythms, and areas you might not usually explore. Try not to fixate on achieving orgasm; instead, follow the pleasure, and if it happens, welcome it! If you don’t reach orgasm, that’s perfectly okay too.
If your mind wanders during this exploration, gently notice it and come back to the present moment by refocusing on your breath, your intention, or your bodily sensations—how pressure, texture, and temperature feel.
5. Reflect & Integrate the Experience:
Ask yourself: How was this experience for me, and how can I integrate it into my life?
Your session doesn’t have to end with orgasm. You can conclude whenever it feels right—whether that’s before reaching climax or after one or more orgasms. You might even choose not to touch your genitals at all if that feels better.
After exploring your body, take a moment to reflect—preferably through journaling. Consider these questions:
- How was this experience for me?
- What is my mental state right now?
- What emotions am I experiencing?
- How does my body feel?
- Was I able to touch with curiosity and pleasure?
- Did I focus on my anchors: 1) breath, 2) intention, 3) body sensations?
- What insights did I gain about myself or my relationship with self-pleasure?
Identify any takeaways you can incorporate into your daily life. For example, if your insight is that you tend to struggle to stay present, consider starting a meditation practice. If dedicating time to your pleasure feels unfamiliar, introduce small, enjoyable habits into your routine, like savoring your morning coffee without distractions.
If you’ve read through all of this, you’ve already developed your own self-pleasure ritual! Feel free to modify it—add, change, or remove elements as you explore what works best for you. Remember, becoming your own best lover is about understanding what you need to access the pleasure always available to you and returning to the present moment. Enjoy!
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